cYniCaLme

Once upon a time, there was a little girl from the city who didn’t know what happiness or loneliness means, or in the least, never had the chance to experience either of the two, or, doesn’t really know what it feels like. Living with her parents, she had a peaceful life. She wasn’t allowed to go anywhere near the other children in their neighborhood. She was left alone in the house while her parents were working. She barely knew her brother for he was living with their grandparents. She spent her days with no one but herself. Despite being a child searching for new things and attention, the little girl chose to just stay inside their home, afraid of the world outside their doorsteps.

After sometime, the girl started to go to school and began learning about new things, knowledge that would open her eyes about the world. She laughed and played with her girl classmates while she cried after quarreling with her seatmate. So far, she can already define it as happiness. It was after a few years when she started to realize the peculiar existence of a specific creature living amongst them and they were called males. Learning about their manner, she knew that something was different when she was around them and one caused her something that she could’ve never experienced with just looking at a new toy. Too young, she did not try to explore the depth of this unlikely cunning sense of excitement, until one day, something unexpected happened to her class at school. It was her last year in grade school and she knows that she has grown already. Seat reshuffling was part of their teacher’s routine to maintain the order of the class. The girl was quite unfamiliar with her new seatmate but she was yet to know what she would learn from him in the end. Soon, she realized that he opened her eyes to a word she barely understood; love. It was luck and fate that had brought the two of them together in that particular seat and she was thankful. Having an idea what love is, she began to recognize how it exists in her world. Her grade school years ended and so did her communication with the young boy who taught her heart about love.

The girl came to experience the consequence of feeling this invigorating ardor…pain. Time went on and yet she still holds on to the memory left of her first love. She promised herself that she would never let go of it. For this, she lived in tears, loneliness and agony of longing for him; even so, she still dreamed and hoped for the wildest fairy tales of love lost and found to happen to her. Hopelessly romantic, she had once again found love in the face of her friend. There she knew that the love she felt before was nothing compared to what she has at that moment. And they lived….

Of course, not happily ever after. That girl –

- was me.

It is after two years and I still haven’t started reconsidering my decision of being barren for the rest of my days sincerely thinking that I owe my life to no one and nothing else but my family and of course, God. I’ve pondered over so many questions about why I gave up my throne of being the Queen of those who are undyingly romantic and the search for my Prince Charming. I understand love in many of its forms but never did I thought, that all of my “giggling” and “fluttering” days would all come to an end, after all it is with these, that that big word starts. I am not insensitive and definitely not frigid. Some say that I just closed my doors after my traumatizing first relationship, but I say not. I was bitter for sometime but I’ve realized that the time I’ve spent with my “true” first love was not all a waste for it made me re-think about my own fairy tale and the question of how I turned from being a hopeless romantic to a hard-core cynic came at its own pace.

Let’s see. It started out as a fear of experiencing another dose of that awful sensation that could only be described as I-don’t-want-to-feel-like-this-anymore. Who would? Really? – Unless, of course, you’ve made up your mind about winning the Girlfriend of the Year award, which goes to the most self-sacrificing, super kind and ever supportive girlfriend in the world. Honestly, if somebody wants to win this call me and I’ll push you over a cliff so you’ll realize that you’re not an elastic rubber who can stand a great amount of trauma. It is a socially acceptable fact that no man or woman is perfect, although they say that practice makes perfect, I don’t think that it is applicable in this particular type of situation. No matter how many relationships you’ve been into, there will always be a point where you’ll say “I don’t think this is working” Being in a relationship is not about who loves who more, it’s about tolerance and full acceptance of one’s imperfections, a long lasting patience and contentment. In my opinion, those are part of the things essential in maintaining the balance of a relationship. Whoever screws up the level of either one these factors, loses. I admit, my tolerance level dropped like the barometric pressure when a storm is coming over my first relationship and that was why I asked for space. Too bad for me, when I was about to occupy that space once more it was already occupied. They say that Scorpios like me, loves long-term. I did love one person for a long period of time. It didn’t become less and it never ceased even if we weren’t together for almost two years, at least I didn’t think it would.

What comes next? You’ll try to make things work and cope up with what happened. For me, that was having another person to woo me in my dark times, hoping to give me the kind of light I wanted, so I got myself a new suitor. He was right off sweet, caring but what I see was mostly what he lacks. Not that I’m looking for somebody who’s more of a prince charming or the likes, what kind of person would that make me? I’m just looking for somebody strong enough to stand up and fight to have the heart of the one he loves with an obvious effort. When I dumped him, he cried and said that he was doing the best he can and I was just not seeing it. Maybe…is a considerate answer, or perhaps, I just didn’t bother to look because there was nothing to see in the first place. I liked this guy; I even told him that I loved him somehow, though clearly I did not. I guess it was out of pity. Crying in a public place while intoxicated was not my cup of tea and this kind of behavior needs immediate intervention, so I just did what I had to. Modestly aside, I know that some guys find me pretty. I don’t know how I appeal to their senses but I don’t think I’m anything special and I don’t think that I am…pretty. So I dumped a few more after him and then I came to the conclusion that I am allergic to suitors. So, I took my male-attracting attributes and chose to hide it from them so no one would dare.

I don’t hate men. It’s just that I don’t find it soothing to have someone with me anymore. I hate the feeling of someone following me around like some dope (what a cruel term). It irritates my nerves. When I didn’t consider the phrase “two’s company”, I never thought that cuddling and kissing would be out of my vocabulary. I never belonged to the third sex and definitely not hostile. Sadly, this is just how the way things work for me and I have pledged to never commit with someone once more until further notice.

Getting married with the man of her dreams is every girls’ version of a fairy tale in this life but I, in rebuttal to this idea, always have thought, suit yourself and suffer. I remember clearly that one of my college professors saw me shook my head when she told us there would come a day that she’ll meet us again and by that time we’ll have our own husbands. It’s like she considered my gesture as an unadorned sign that I was not taking her seriously so she asked me, “Why Ms. Enerio? Don’t you want to get married someday?” in a very feisty tone – and of course I said yes. She just told me, “That is not a very good outlook in life.” Raising her right eyebrow at me, I thought that maybe it was her first time hearing something like that from a girl like me. It was peculiar that a person could like just being alone in this world for the rest of her life. I find it a bit eccentric myself, in a way. I am not totally closing the thought of falling in love again, who knows? Maybe I just haven’t found him yet, but oddly, I wish I never would.

Forgive me for using this once more but those who knew me well, maybe about a few years back, would definitely say that I would be the first one to marry among us for I have dreamed of nothing but a love that will last a lifetime and I am not scarce with resources. Now, hearing it just gives me a good laugh. Funny, how the girl who’ve always wanted this fantasy end up wanting to be nothing but a spinster. One thing’s for sure, it wasn’t about being traumatized with extreme emotional pain.

After my break up, I have realized that there’s a lot more to life than just a fancy love story that most ladies are longing for. Finding me talk about this, maybe people would just say that I am still bitter. Believe it or not, I have moved on and my feelings are almost gone. It is too early to say but my mind is like a strong pillar of cement that couldn’t easily be crushed to the ground. On my way, I was slowly picking up the pieces of the answers to the questions I’ve sought for. How did I really become a cynic?

This life is very short so it is like a rule that you must spend your time wisely in order to attain self-actualization. This particular statement doesn’t sound like marriage or settling down, to me. Marriage is one of the most permanent things in this world because when it is when we face God and take vows to be bonded for the rest of our days. Having a relationship could mean getting this far for me and I do not want that to happen. I have nothing against it, really, but isn’t it ironic when despite of being one of the most permanent things in this world a lot of couples every year gets annulled or divorced. I do not doubt love itself, I just doubt marriage and relationships. This is something I think I’ll never try to be good at. Just seeing the people around me get separated and screw up their relationships for reasons I know could be resolved if they believed in the vows that they took, I know it’ll never suit me. This story can never have a happy ending. Somehow, I’ve developed this attitude of treating this kind of things as a joke in reality.

So this is my conclusion: Better be SINGLE than SORRY…I have a much better plan for my life because I do believe that fairy tales could happen in real life but not in the way books tell about them. Fairy tales are about the dreams and goals of those who are passionate about life; huddled together to form the beauty of looking forward to something that your heart wishes to come true. Each and every one of us has every right to create his/her own fairy tale.

One of my dreams before entering college was to become a doctor, or a nurse if I really can’t pursue the former. It’s not really my last choice, like I also wanted to be a writer, a composer, an architect, an interior designer, a fashion designer, a flight stewardess and a pilot, and I almost forgot, I also wanted to be a marine biologist. There are just a lot of things that I want to do with my life and what I really wanted was a fairy tale that doesn’t include a life long commitment with a another person but instead to a lot of people. After doing what I should for my family, I dream to spend the last twenty or Fairy thirty years of my life in missionary work. I’m not being just some do-gooder person who only wants to help just because they want to become a famous Samaritan or something, I’m sorry, but I’m not a two-faced wretch. I plan on giving my family the kind of life that they want but after all of it, I know there would still be something missing. Our life is short but there’s just a lot that we can do with it, this was what I’ve realized after my first relationship. I do not know why I just woke up one morning and cried for I felt that I know exactly what my purpose in life was. I could still remember that particular day when all I know is that this is what I desire most. I fear that if I see my one true love I wouldn’t be able to this. I just wish that day would never come. I don’t know what is God’s plan for me but I want nothing more that this…not to live a comfortable and extravagant life…only this. This is my fairy tale.

My castle is a place where people live the best they can out of the things they could merely have and my damsel-in-distress are the people who are in dire need of a helping hand. I believe that there, I could see the true beauty of life…maybe by just being there, I could say that I had a life well-lived…and only then I can tell myself that I lived happily ever after.